Tuesday, March 31, 2020     Volume: 21, Issue: 4

Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on October 19th, 2016, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 17, Issue 33 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 17, Issue 33

The Best Lunatic

Krider excels at driving around in fast circles


Like most little boys, when I was a kid I knew that when I grew up I wanted to be either an astronaut or a race car driver. I’m assuming the large helmets for whatever reason had quite an impression on me. I wanted to grow up and be the guy standing around holding a big helmet. That guy looked cool. 

As the years progressed my dreams were crushed when I found out that in order to be an astronaut with NASA, you have to have above-average intelligence. Unfortunately for me (and my wife who has to watch me count with my fingers), my intelligence is just plain average. 

The good news for me is not all of my dreams were crushed. It turns out that any moron can be a race car driver. No intelligence required whatsoever. In fact, the less intelligence the faster a race car driver you will be. The first thing I did was go out and buy myself one of those big helmets. They call them “crash helmets,” which is the first clue that automobile racing is for idiots.

Racing cars, at its basic level, is a completely ludicrous concept. The goal is to have a car and drive around in circles. It gets even better if you find another dumb person who has a car that he or she likes to drive in circles too. Then you challenge that person to a duel. “I bet you I can drive my car around in circles faster than you!” Now we have ourselves an automobile race.

As a racer, in order to make sure that you are going as fast as you possibly can you have to take risks. If you aren’t on the verge of flipping your car over and catching on fire during every millisecond as you drive it in circles you aren’t trying hard enough. For instance, the dumb person who challenged you to a “who can drive in a circle faster” duel decides he or she will drive at insane speeds and risk their life to ensure they are the fastest. But you decide, “No! I will drive even more like an idiot and risk my life more than you risk your life so that I can be the winner!” Does this sound like something people with above-average intelligence do? No, those people are called astronauts and they strap themselves to rockets and shoot themselves into outer space.

But racing isn’t just about risk taking. Racing only gets stupider from this point. You see, in order for one car to go around in circles faster than the other car is if one of the dumb people who drives these cars in circles spends a lot of money on their car to ensure their car is the fastest. But the next guy sees what is happening so he goes out and spends a little bit more money to make sure his car is even faster. Then the first guy spends even more money to ensure now his car is even faster in a circle. Nobody is going to outspend him. This turns into a never-ending arms race where cash is burned at an alarming rate. And remember, all of this to prove you can drive in a circle faster than someone else. 

Essentially, all of this is done to prove to another person you are dumber than they are. That and the opportunity to earn a large trophy that proves to everyone else who sees this trophy that you are a dumb person. I’m so dumb I have built a lighted trophy case to illuminate my ongoing stupidity.

Instead of racing and using all of the world’s precious natural resources (gasoline, tire rubber, oil) to drive in circles, dumb people should just stand on the edge of a cliff and throw money off of it as fast as they can. Whoever stands the closest to the edge of the cliff and proves they are the biggest risk taker, combined with the skill and means to throw the most money into the wind, should be crowned the World Champion Race Car Driver. No actual car required. No gasoline needed.

I only speak of this foolish nonsense because I am a dumb race car driver. I take enormous risks with my body and spend every dime in my bank account to prove to the world that I’m a big, big idiot who loves to drive in circles. And I do love it. I love the adrenaline, I love the challenge, I love the victory, and I love my dumb trophies. 

My wife, whom I love, barely tolerates this side of me. She is not a big fan of Racer Rob, the husband who blows up engines, stays up all night in the garage fixing cars, and is generally just dumb as hell. To help her understand why I do what I do I decided I could prove to her that I wasn’t just an average dummy. I wanted to show her I was the dumbest guy in the country. So I headed to the national championships this year to compete with the fastest morons in the country in a duel of who can take the most risks and spend the most money while driving in circles. It turns out it is me.

When the checkered flag fell, I showed my wife that I am the dumbest person in the United States of America. I even have the trophy to prove it. I earned the National Auto Sport Association 2016 Honda Challenge National Championship by driving (read taking risks and spending money) an Acura Integra in circles. Yup, I drove my little Acura around in a circle (a twisty windy 3-mile circle at Buttonwillow Raceway) faster and dumber than anybody else in the country. I am officially a National Championship idiot. 

Rob told his wife next year he will move to remote control toy cars. You can read more from Rob Krider or contact him at robkrider.com.

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