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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on May 4th, 2016, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 17, Issue 9 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 17, Issue 9

Last man standing

Now that Krider's son is off to college, the gender balance in his house sways to the ladies

By ROB KRIDER

My first-born son has gone off to college to learn about the ways of the world, get an education, and accumulate student debt and parking tickets. That has left me at home with my wife, my daughter, and our ugly dog, Betty. Before my son left to go to college and before we rescued Betty, there was a gender balance in our home: two boys, two girls, and no dog poo in the backyard. Now that my son has left and we adopted another lady into the household, suddenly the gender shift has swayed to three women, one man, and mountain of doggy business on the lawn. Yup, you guessed it, all of that crap has to be picked up by “the man” of the house. Lucky me.

Being the only male of the house has left all of the manly tasks that nobody wants to do solely to me: I’m the official garbage can mover, toilet plunger, and large insect assassinator. I don’t think it’s fair. I don’t see what having a set of testicles has to do with smashing bugs. I don’t use my genitalia to bludgeon spiders. In my opinion the girls are perfectly equipped to kill insects. They just don’t want to do it.

Regardless of the progress women have made for equality over the last century, and completely void of my pleas to avoid jobs I don’t want to do, our household structure is like the 1950s. The man does the yard work and the plumbing, cleans the rain gutters and fixes the cars. The women do the cooking … by calling Domino’s Pizza. The women seem perfectly happy at our house residing under the glass ceiling, as long as there are large eight-legged hairy spiders above the glass they don’t have to deal with.

With the majority vote at our house going to the females, suddenly there are new policies in the house, specifically regarding the position of the toilet seat. Due to the recent swing in power toward the ladies’ side, I realized that I’m not that big a fan of democracy. I’m losing every vote that comes up, which means that the toilet seat cannot be left up. The dog can go pee in the middle of the kitchen and nobody seems to care, but if I leave the seat up in the bathroom I’m suddenly an evil misogynist jerk? It doesn’t make any sense.

I’ve decided to stop trying to make sense of it all, because I can solve every confusing situation with this statement: because girls. Even though I have lived with girls for almost two decades now, I really don’t understand them. I don’t even try to anymore. I’m in survival mode at this point as the lone dude in the house. I just try to keep my head down, enjoy a low profile, and hang out in the garage with the tools. Tools don’t cry, tools don’t have attitude, and tools don’t ask me to go to the store to buy tampons.

Probably the most difficult task for me is to go buy menstrual products at the store. And it isn’t for the reasons that you think. I don’t care if I’m at the checkout aisle buying tampons. I’m not self-conscious or embarrassed by that at all. I want to help support my ladies with whatever they need, and if that means running to the store to pick up some girl gear, I’m fine with it. I find it difficult because there are so many choices: Maxi, Mini, Infinity, Slim, Junior, Regular, Super, Super Plus, Sea Pearls, Deodorized, Non-Deodorized, and Organic. As a guy, I want to just buy the biggest and the best. Men like kick-ass adjectives. Men think: Give me the Super Plus. That’s how I would buy a truck, so it’s the same way I buy tampons.

I found out that bringing home a Super Plus tampon for a girl who wants a Junior Slim is a big mistake. The women of the house have learned quickly that I’m an idiot, so they have resorted to taking pictures of the tampon box in the bathroom and then texting them to me at the store. Now I stand in the store aisle holding my phone up as I compare each box on the shelves to the one in the picture. I’m sure it doesn’t look weird at all to anyone at the store. It’s OK; I gave up on dignity years ago.

I’ve also given up on getting anywhere on time. I don’t even try to rush the girls out of the house until they are ready. I understand that there will be many wardrobe changes, shoe-color related meltdowns, and a lot of time in front of bathroom mirrors jabbing sticks into their eyeballs. I have learned that standing in the doorway looking at my watch and tapping my foot does not get anyone out of the house any quicker, it only makes my wife, whom I love, want to kill me. I don’t want to die, so these days, when I’m waiting for the girls to finish getting ready I just go in the garage and organize the tools.

Even though I’m the last man standing at our house and I enjoy complaining about it, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my girls and there is no place I’d rather be, especially since I have no other choice. My son is refusing to let me live with him in his college dorm.  

Rob has decided for household harmony it would be easier to follow the dog outside to go to the bathroom. You can read more from Rob Krider or contact him at robkrider.com.




Weekly Poll
Should the proposed aquifer exemption in Cat Canyon be approved?

Yes—the water from the proposed area can't serve as drinking water.
No—oil containments could still pollute usable groundwater.
Additional oil and gas projects can create more jobs.
We need to move away from oil and gas and look at renewable energy projects.

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