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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on January 12th, 2016, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 16, Issue 45 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 16, Issue 45

Cabin in the woods

Krider neglects to bring the basics to the snow-kissed mountains

By ROB KRIDER

During the winter months, many people enjoy driving up to the mountains, playing in the snow, and sleeping in quaint little rustic cabins. I think those people are quite stupid. 

Sure, on paper it all sounds so nice: the majestic mountains, the falling snow, small romantic cabins. What’s not to like? But the reality of cabin life is a lot less fun. It’s me, on my hands and knees, in the freezing cold, trying to put chains on the car. It’s wet socks from snow that got into my boots. It’s being stuck in a very small, stuffy Lincoln Log building with way too many people. My preference over going to a cabin would be to just stay home and clean my garage.

Regardless of how I feel about going up to the cabin, I was still going because that’s what my wife wanted. Her bestest friend in the whole wide world rented a cabin and so my wife, whom I love, wanted to go. And what my wife wants, she gets. I accepted my fate, packed the car with luggage, and headed up the hill. I told my wife that even though I didn’t want to go to the cabin, I’d be cool about it. In actuality, I just wore a sourpuss look on my face the entire drive up the mountain. My wife is such a lucky girl.

After surviving the icy drive, we arrived at the rented cabin and saw that our friends were already there. I’ll admit the white snow covering the ground and trees was quite beautiful. The sourpuss look on my face subsided, and I decided to join the fun. 

The kids started to make snowballs and throw them around. For some reason all of these snowballs ended up in one place, and that was hitting me in the face, neck, and head, resulting in snow going down my jacket, which dripped ice water down my back. Lucky me.

We examined our rented home for the weekend and found that the cabin was missing a few things we’d probably need. One of the kids yelled out from the bathroom, “We’re out of toilet paper.” We had only been at the cabin for 10 minutes. My wife and I went to our assigned bedroom and saw that there were no sheets on the bed. A quick check of the linen closet showed there were no towels either. A search party was formed and we all started to look around the cabin to find supplies. Once it was determined the cabin came with nothing, we started asking each other who brought what.

“Did you guys bring toilet paper?”

“No, we brought beer.”

“How about you, did you guys bring sheets?”

“No, we just packed wine.”

“Did anyone think to bring towels?”

“We brought tequila.”

“What about food?”

“I brought some fruit. Well, actually I just brought limes for the tequila.”

“I brought a gun.”

“How is a gun going to help?”

“In case a bear shows up.”

“No bears are coming to this cabin because there is no food in it to steal.”

“So, just to be clear the final tally is we have tequila, limes, and a gun, but no toilet paper. It’s snowing outside, and we have paid for the cabin for three nights.”

Unfortunately for the group of us stuck in the cabin, we had enough hard alcohol to launch a rocket to Mars, but not enough toilet paper to wipe one kid’s nose. Lack of supplies wasn’t our only problem. Heat was another big issue. The cabin came with a wood pellet stove that we city folks didn’t really understand. The stove only had the ability to keep the temperature of the cabin at two specific measures. It was either 19 degrees, which was the temperature outside, or it was the temperature of the surface of the sun. This extreme range of melting heat or bone-chilling cold could swing rapidly within a few minutes. 

We sat down to play a card game at a big table in the kitchen. During the game I started to lose weight like a wrestler by sweating profusely. By the end of the game I lost my big toe due to frostbite. Jackets on, jackets off, go outside to cool off, run inside to warm up. Grab the gun and end it all. There was really no good choice.

We weren’t completely without supplies while we were up in the snow, as one of my friends did bring two 20-pound bags of ice. “For the beer,” is what he told me. What we needed with ice cubes while surrounded by 3 feet of snow was a mystery to me. I guess every man has his priorities, and his priority was cold beer.

My priority was toilet paper. I decided it was time to venture out in the snow and save the day by buying some much needed TP. I drove to the first nearby store. It was less of a convenience store and more of a bait and tackle shop/front for methamphetamine sales. No luck on toiletries there. I drove through the snow 10 more miles to the next store. This was less store and more gas station. Again no TP. Apparently nobody on the mountain ever goes to the bathroom. I was getting desperate. People were depending on me. I braved more icy roads and continued on my mission.

I found another store, 15 more miles away. I trudged through the snow into the store and saw on a rack the most beautiful thing I had ever seen: white, round, and glowing in the store light was a four pack of toilet paper! Glorious toilet paper, soft and gentle. It was priced at $10 (mountain prices), and I was happy as a bear in the woods to pay it. And before I went to the register, I also picked up a few more beers, just in case.

Rob made it back to the cabin to save the day just in time to be hit in the face with another snowball. Read more Rob Krider at robkrider.com.




Weekly Poll
Should the proposed aquifer exemption in Cat Canyon be approved?

Yes—the water from the proposed area can't serve as drinking water.
No—oil containments could still pollute usable groundwater.
Additional oil and gas projects can create more jobs.
We need to move away from oil and gas and look at renewable energy projects.

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