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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on September 23rd, 2015, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 16, Issue 29 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 16, Issue 29

Carting with Krider

How to adeptly drive a golf cart while juggling a cold beer and a dumb dog

By ROB KRIDER

To annoy my neighbors, I cruise around the ’burbs in a golf cart while blasting ska music and driving like a complete madman. Well, let’s be honest, how much of a madman can I really be at an electric motor top speed of 24 mph? As the self-proclaimed “best environmentalist” on my street, I cruise the block avoiding the use of fossil fuels and polluting emissions. And for the record, I had this electric golf cart way before any high paid Google employee was driving a Tesla.


My golf cart is allowed on public roads because it is equipped with headlamps, seatbelts, mirrors, blinkers, a horn, and a license plate to ensure I have paid my fair share of California registration/fees/taxes/bloodletting. The cool thing about the golf cart is if you go full speed, then turn hard to the right while slamming on the brakes, the cart will slide into a killer U-turn that would make even the stunt drivers from The Fast and the Furious take notice. They will laugh in your face, but they will take notice.

The golf cart is lots of fun, but it does need to be charged. Not charging it for a month and then driving 2 miles from home is a really dumb idea. When you have a dead electric vehicle, you can’t exactly call AAA for a gallon of gas. Gas won’t help you, unless you choose to use the gas to burn the electric vehicle to the ground and then collect the insurance. You see, the problem is the charger is at home, and thus the golf cart needs to somehow get home to be charged. So you can either push the cart all the way home or you personally own 2 miles worth of extension cords.

Another thing to remember about the golf cart is, that while at the store buying a lot of things, you have to recognize the golf cart does not have a trunk, or doors, or anywhere to put things. I try to drive home while balancing larger grocery bags between my legs so they don’t fall out every time I take a corner (like a madman). Have I ever lost some of my load on the way home? Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear crap in the woods? Does my wife, whom I love, have a headache on weeknights? Of course. I’ve lost a box of crackers, but I’ve never lost a glass bottle. I prioritize the beer.

To really make things complicated I take the dumb dog with me to the store. I use the word dumb not to be mean, but more as an adjective to explain that she is unintelligent. The dog thinks it is OK to wear her leash and then jump from the golf cart that is moving along at 24 mph, only to be drug by her neck to a bloody pulp. Calm down you doggie lovers, this has never happened. I work diligently to ensure that even though the dumb dog thinks this is a good idea, she doesn’t jump.

Where things get tricky is after I have driven with the dumb dog to my local liquor store for a tall cold glass bottle of Firestone DBA. Because then I have to find a way to balance the glass bottle and the dumb dog all the way back to the house where I can charge the golf cart, open the beer, and watch the dumb dog sniff its own rear end for hours at a time. Yes, this is the American Dream, and I like to live it. But I can’t live it until I’m successful at juggling the beer and the dumb dog while driving like a madman. 

So, how is it done? How do you adeptly drive a golf cart while juggling a cold beer and a dumb dog? Simple physics, that’s how. First, immediately smash the gas pedal of the golf cart to the floor to accelerate as hard as possible. This does two things. It looks cool, and it throws the dog and the beer toward the back of the front seat, securing them in place. Now turn up the ska music on the MP3 player. The neighbors hate it. As the dog and beer start to vibrate toward the outside edge of the passenger seat where a broken bottle and dead dog is imminent, jerk the steering wheel to the right and roll the beer bottle and dumb dog toward your right thigh. Speak to the pooch in English and tell it, “Don’t jump from the golf cart, ya dumb dog, you could die and I’ll spill my beer.” The dog doesn’t understand English or anything you’ve said, but that doesn’t matter, you’ll feel like you’re doing more for the dog’s safety by at least giving the verbal warning.

As you continue on your travels, stop signs are the most hazardous situations you will face. Any use of the brake will cause the dumb dog and the craft brew to fall off of the front seat and end up in a puddle of beer, glass, and fur. To avoid this issue, I refrain from stopping at all costs. Stopping only encourages the dumb dog to jump out of the golf cart, and that is not what you’re looking for. You want to get home and finally open that beer before the golf cart runs out of electric power. Plus the dog doesn’t help push the golf cart very well.

There will be moments where the dog will look at you with its judging eyes. It knows you’re behaving badly. Don’t worry. Remember the dog doesn’t speak English, so it has no ability to tell your wife when you get home that you have been driving the golf cart like a madman. Just keep your right foot on the gas, turn up the ska music, and keep jerking the steering wheel left and right to keep the dumb dog and the beer balanced at the correct location on the seat. Eventually, if it all goes correctly, you will arrive at your residence, the beer will still be inside the unopened bottle, and the dog will still be alive. Congratulations! You now know how to adeptly drive a golf cart while juggling a cold beer and a dumb dog. Enjoy living the American Dream.

Rob would like to remind you that none of this can be done while using a cell phone. That would be both irresponsible and illegal.




Weekly Poll
What do you think of the county's new permitting process for hoop houses?

Farmers already have too many regulations to adhere to.
It was necessary to clarify the permitting process.
The process will help protect wildlife.
Cannabis growers are the problem, not other farmers!

| Poll Results