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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on July 14th, 2015, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 16, Issue 19 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 16, Issue 19

Home improvement (or replacement)

By ROB KRIDER

I have one rule I live by: I never do things twice. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, like I will drink more than one beer. And, yes, I will also do anything that I think is fun more than once, like watching the Star Wars trilogy for the 11th time (I only recognize the original Star Wars films, hence it is still a trilogy to me). OK, I guess I should be a little clearer and say that I never do things that suck twice—things like home improvement projects, which are tedious and expensive. For example, I painted the entire outside of my house once, 15 years ago. Now, for unknown reasons, my wife, whom I love, is trying to tell me I should paint the house, again. Why would I paint the house again? I already did it once. Doing it again would be redundant. I hate redundancy.

The folks at Home Depot explained to me that paint is not permanent. I find this odd, because it seemed pretty permanent when I spilled it on the carpet. I feel as if there is a lack of honesty in advertising these days. I think there should be warning labels on these cans of paint. They should be huge, like the warning labels on cigarettes. WARNING: This paint causes redundancy. This paint will only last 15 years, therefore you should sell your house before the paint goes bad or you will be forced to paint the exact same wall you just painted, 15 years prior.

You may think 15 years is a long time. My 15-year-old daughter thinks it’s a lifetime. To me, 15 years is a blink of an eye. I painted the house; I hated doing it; I blinked and 15 years went by, I was fatter, there was a Corvette in the driveway, and suddenly the paint was peeling off of the house. What happened? I just painted the house!


A lot of things around my house are starting to go bad, and I’m totally perplexed as to why. For instance, my DVD player stopped working for no good reason. My wife just bought it for me for Christmas. Of course, it was Christmas 2002, 13 years ago, but that’s no reason for the thing to break down. It wasn’t as if we left the DVD player out in the rain. We took good care of it and only played Oscar worthy films on it. I was complaining that to replace the DVD player would be expensive, since when my wife bought it for me it was a very nice and thoughtful gift. My daughter told me, “Dad, you’re so dumb. You can get a DVD player at the 99-cents store.”

The same thing happened with our hot tub. I remember the day an enormous crane lifted the hot tub over my house and planted it in my backyard. Suddenly we had steam and bubbles; it was awesome. And I also remember the 10 years of payments I had to pay off the expensive hot tub. Coincidentally, the day I paid the hot tub off, the darn thing stopped being a hot tub and is now simply a room-temperature tub. Sitting in room-temperature water doesn’t really have the same effect as a hot tub did. I went to the hot tub store to see if they could repair it and they said, “Well, those things only last about 10 years, so it is probably time to replace it.” I don’t want to replace the monthly payments. It was nice when they went away. I just want my tub to be hot again. I had a hot wife 10 years ago, and she is still hot (you’re welcome, Honey), so I expect my hot tub to keep up.

But because of the one rule I live by, well, the rule I sort of live by, that I don’t do things twice, I refuse to replace the DVD player or the hot tub, and I refuse to paint the damn house. I used to just simply call it “the house” but when it needs to be painted it becomes “the damn house.” So, we are just going to have to live with what we got and like it, peeling paint and room-temperature water. Period. That’s it. No further discussion. Well, of course, there is always some discussion with my hot wife. We have to live with it until my hot wife tells me it’s time to paint again and to go to the 99-cents store for that new DVD player.

    However, so far I’ve escaped the moment where she puts her foot down and demands that I get to work around the house. And there is definitely a lot of work that needs to be done. For instance, right now we can’t park a single car in our two car garage because there are too many race car parts scattered around in the garage. I would clean it up, but I already cleaned the garage once in 2007, so I don’t see the point in cleaning it again.

At night my wife and I lie in bed and discuss the way things are deteriorating around the house. We also discuss that our mattress isn’t very comfortable as it has a big hump in it. We don’t want to replace it because the mattress is brand new. Well, brand new in 2005, but still new to us. We don’t want to buy another mattress, because we already own one. So, luckily for me, my wife has the same outlook on doing things twice. Why buy something we already bought? It seems silly.

Of course, items these days don’t last as long as they used to. We are in a “give me convenience at a low price or give me death” society. Everything we buy now is disposable, so we just have to buy them again. In fact, I’m thinking about buying a new house, one with some fresh paint, a newish hot tub, and an empty garage.

Right now Rob is searching Craigslist for a DVD player. If you enjoy Rob’s storytelling, check out his novel Cadet Blues on Amazon.com.




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