PHOTO BY PHOTO BY LEWIS JACOBS; COURTESY SCREEN GEMS AND BOLD FILMS LP
LEGION
Where is it playing?: Hi-Way Drive-In
What's it rated?: R
What's it worth?: $2.00
A horror film by a first time director, unceremoniously dumped into the cinematic wasteland of late January without an advance screening for critics. Sounds like a real winner, right? Well, guess again, target of an angry God’s wrath. With Legion, the latest in a long line of miserable attempts to turn The Bible into a viable screenplay source, first time director Scott Stewart proves once again that, in the battle between good and evil, nothing is more frightening than bad acting and erratic editing. You see, our Maker is sick and tired of the funny little muddle called Man, and he decides to send his flocks of ass-kicking angels down to rub out the planet’s populace. Only problem is, these armored heavenly warriors with their sacrosanct weaponry can only possess the bodies of weak-willed humans—not necessarily the best source for an Armageddon Army.
Disagreeing with his boss’s decision, the Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) falls to Earth, holes up in the Paradise Falls Diner (your standard viable cinematic business smack dab in the middle of nowhere), and vows to protect a young waitress named Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) and her unborn child. Along for the ride are a group of accidental storyline catalysts, including a father (Dennis Quaid) and son (Lucas Black), the cook (Charles Dutton), and a few patrons (Tyrese Gibson, Jon Tenny, Kate Walsh, and Willa Holland).
As God’s winged assassins turn the locals into dead-eyed inert zombies, Michael waits for the eventual arrival of Gabriel (Kevin Durand), hoping he can save Charlie’s child and thwart the end of times once and for all. Of course, how any of this is supposed to happen or why God chose such an unusual way to destroy the world (floods and pestilence not good enough anymore?) is never, ever explained.
Legion is the perfect example of an “everything in the trailer” release. If you’ve seen it in the endlessly running ads, you’ve “seen it” in the film itself. That scary looking ice cream delivery demon that gets all elongated and spidery? Seen it. The seemingly kind old lady that scampers across the ceiling like an evil elderly insect? Seen it. The little Omen-lite boy who growls “fooled you” before noshing into Gibson’s neck? You get the idea.
But it’s not just the scenes that feel familiar. The storyline itself is a clueless combination of The Terminator (a child destined to save mankind), Assault on Precinct 13, and numerous living dead efforts. In fact, it’s a lot like Maximum Overdrive with pissed off seraphim and cherubim, except Stephen King’s killer trucks had more personality and plot logic. The script, by Stewart and co-writer Peter Schink, mistakes idiocy for personality and racial stereotyping for suspense. And just when we think it can’t get any worse, the last act jumbles everything together in the sad attempt at setting up a sequel. (Nooooooo!)
It’s just a shame that such a promising premise is treated in such a sloppy, slapdash manner. The idea of God sending angels down to battle against man in a Final Days free-for-all has potential. Sure, you’d have to find a filmmaker with the proper vision to realize such an epic undertaking (Stewart, sadly, is not one) and you’d have to cough up the cash to give the elements the properly otherworldly F/X sparkle. Legion is low budget all the way. It’s also lowbrow, low IQ, and a lowdown dirty shame. No matter the tendency toward drought, famine, plague, and other Book of Revelation repercussions, one’s deity deserves better. It’s a movie like this that is probably angering Him in the first place. (100 min.)
