Sunday, January 19, 2020     Volume: 20, Issue: 46
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Santa Maria Sun / Film

This weeks review
A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
AD ASTRA
AVENGERS: ENDGAME
BAD BOYS FOR LIFE
BINGEABLE: Barry
BINGEABLE: CASA DE LAS FLORES
BINGEABLE: FLEABAG
BINGEABLE: GRACE AND FRANKIE
BINGEABLE: INTO THE DARK
BINGEABLE: MAGIC FOR HUMANS
BINGEABLE: NATHAN FOR YOU
BINGEABLE: RUSSIAN DOLL
BINGEABLE: STRANGER THINGS 3
BINGEABLE: THE PEOPLE V. O.J. SIMPSON: AMERICAN CRIME STORY
BINGEABLE: THE SINNER (SEASON 2)
BLAST FROM THE PAST: COOL RUNNINGS (1993)
BLAST FROM THE PAST: FRIENDS
BLAST FROM THE PAST: HOUSE
BLAST FROM THE PAST: LONE WOLF MCQUADE
BLAST FROM THE PAST: OLDBOY
BLAST FROM THE PAST: RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
BLAST FROM THE PAST: ROBOCOP
BLAST FROM THE PAST: THE MATRIX
BLAST FROM THE PAST: THE PRESTIGE (2006)
BLAST FROM THE PAST: UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY
BLAST FROM THE PAST: WILD AT HEART
BLAST FROM THE PAST: YOU’VE GOT MAIL
BOMBSHELL
BRITTANY RUNS A MARATHON
CATS
DARK WATERS
DOCTOR SLEEP
DOLITTLE
DOWNTON ABBEY
FORD V FERRARI
FROZEN II
GUILTY PLEASURE: THE HANGOVER
GUILTY PLEASURES: BARBIE LIFE IN THE DREAMHOUSE
GUILTY PLEASURES: GIRL MEETS WORLD (2014-2017)
HAEWATCH: THE WITCHER (2019)
HATEWATCH: CHOPPED
HATEWATCH: FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER’S MONSTER, FRANKENSTEIN
HATEWATCH: NAILED IT!
HEARST CASTLE: BUILDING THE DREAM
JOJO RABBIT
JOKER
JUMANJI: THE NEXT LEVEL
KNIVES OUT
LIKE A BOSS
LITTLE WOMEN
MILES DAVIS: BIRTH OF THE COOL
MOTHERLESS BROOKLYN
ONCE UPON A TIME … IN HOLLYWOOD
RICHARD JEWELL
SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME (EXTENDED CUT)
SPIES IN DISGUISE
STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER
THE ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN
THE BIGGEST LITTLE FARM
THE CURRENT WAR: DIRECTOR’S CUT
THE GRUDGE
THE LIGHTHOUSE
THE PEANUT BUTTER FALCON
UNCUT GEMS
UNDERRATED: BATMAN BEGINS
UNDERRATED: INSOMNIA
UNDERRATED: SHUTTER ISLAND
UNDERRATED: THE BATTERED BASTARDS OF BASEBALL
UNDERRATED: THE FALLING
UNDERWATER
YESTERDAY
ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP

BLAST FROM THE PAST: UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY

PHOTO BY PHOTO COURTESY OF WARNER BROS

BLAST FROM THE PAST: UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY


Where is it playing?: Amazon Prime, YouTube

What's it rated?: R

User Rating: 0.00 (0 Votes)

This isn’t so much a movie review as it is a love letter to Steven Seagal. Let me start by saying that even though I love Seagal, the dude is not good at acting. Less than not good. Undoubtedly not good. He’s got this weird confused look on his face all the time, like he’s trying to access Netflix on a TV without internet connectivity. And his glistening forehead looks like he dipped it in rendered animal fat.

But I love the guy’s movies because he is just a regular dude and definitely does not look good. This may not be a fact, but it’s definitely “substantially true,” if legal nomenclature is your thing. But really. He doesn’t look good. He’s slow; goes from sort of in shape to obviously not in shape; and the fight scenes are so heavily edited that it’s not always clear what he’s doing—though you can see that lifting his leg above his waist is an insurmountable challenge. Whatever production room superhero made that mess semi-coherent must have thought, “Wow, how is this guy even a thing?!” Well, he was a thing. A pretty big thing.

OK, I know you’re wondering right now why I even like him. I sound like a snob who doesn’t want to see an average guy kick some ass.

No, no, no—his flaws are exactly what I like. Our man is like a Major League Baseball player. If you drink a lot of beer and have 30 or 40 excess pounds, you’re probably in more than good enough shape to be a professional baseball player. It’s the same with Seagal. His inept acting, and whatever pseudo martial art he does, made being the hero accessible. He doesn’t have the ’roid physique of Arnold Schwarzenegger and isn’t Belgian kickboxer-jacked like Jean-Claude Van Damme. He’s not flipping cars or doing splits between two moving trucks. He’s beating up guys who, generally, have the courtesy to fight him one at a time. And he doesn’t have an exotic accent from some distant land. He’s that guy at the end of the bar who’s complaining about his receding hairline and an increase in his alimony payments. Seagal is the everyman of action heroes.

So you’re probably wondering what movie I’m actually writing about? Does it matter? We’re talking Steven Seagal! But you want a recommendation, don’t you? Let’s take Under Siege 2: Dark Territory as an example.

He’s supposed to be a disgraced Navy SEAL who was demoted to the kitchen in the first film. He beats the hell out of a bunch of people and there’s something about a satellite and train, and he somehow makes a bomb out of kitchen ingredients. But, he kills the main bad guy, who, by the way, is wielding a giant meat cleaver while our guy is using nothing but his slaptastic mitts. 

After the victory he says in his tough guy half whisper, “No one beats me in the kitchen.” 

Excellent. What more do you need to know? (103 min.) 

—Will D’Urso




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