Tuesday, July 16, 2019     Volume: 20, Issue: 19
Signup

Santa Maria Sun / Film

This weeks review
ALADDIN
ANNABELLE COMES HOME
AVENGERS: ENDGAME
BINGEABLE: A.P. BIO
BINGEABLE: Barry
BINGEABLE: FLEABAG
BINGEABLE: GRACE AND FRANKIE
BINGEABLE: Green Porno
BINGEABLE: RUSSIAN DOLL
BINGEABLE: STRANGER THINGS 3
BINGEABLE: STREET FOOD
BLAST FROM THE PAST: GODSPELL
BLAST FROM THE PAST: RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
BLAST FROM THE PAST: THE MATRIX
BOOKSMART
CRAWL
DARK PHOENIX
HEARST CASTLE: BUILDING THE DREAM
MEN IN BLACK: INTERNATIONAL
ROCKETMAN
SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME
STUBER
THE BIGGEST LITTLE FARM
TOY STORY 4
UNDERRATED: THE BATTERED BASTARDS OF BASEBALL
YESTERDAY

BINGEABLE: Green Porno

PHOTO BY COURTESY OF SUNDANCETV

BINGEABLE: Green Porno


Where is it playing?: Sundance TV, YouTube

What's it rated?: Not rated

User Rating: 0.00 (0 Votes)

Did you know that hamster mothers often eat their babies? That male bedbugs stab their mates with knife-like penises and then ejaculate into the bloodstream? Or that snails have both vaginas and penises?

Those unusual facts are the main focus Green Porno, the Sundance TV miniseries in which Isabella Rossellini explores the sexual nature of animals and insects.

Yep, you read that correctly. Isabella Rossellini: the Italian actress and model famous for her captivating roles in movies like Blue Velvet (1986). The same Isabella Rossellini whose face has graced covers of Vogue and whose parents are film legends Ignrid Bergman (Casablanca, Spellbound) and Roberto Rossellini (Rome, Year Zero). She’s the very same Isabella Rossellini who wrote, directed, and starred in every episode of Green Porno.

When I first heard about Green Porno, I imagined a nature documentary—rugged landscapes, impeccable cinematography—all narrated by Rossellini. It didn’t seem strange since Americans love nature docs narrated by hosts with foreign accents (I’m lookin’ at you Steve Irwin and David Attenborough), and Rossellini’s Italian intonation is almost as recognizable as her face.

But after the first episode of Green Porno, which looks at the mating habits of bees, it became clear that my assumptions were wrong. The episode starts seemingly normal, then almost immediately cuts to a wide shot of Rossellini dressed as a giant queen bee.

Rossellini goes on to not only describe how bees reproduce, but acts it out while dressed like different kinds of bees. It’s an insane juxtaposition—an icon running around in a bumble bee jumpsuit, humping papier-maché bee figurines. While Rossellini illustrates how bees mate in flight, her paper bee penis falls off inside the female.

“But pulling out from her, my penis would break off!” Rossellini shouts, looking down at her wound through bug-eye goggles. “It would get stuck in her vagina like a cork in a bottle, but it would prevent other males from mating with her.”

It’s the best thing that has ever been filmed in all of history. 

The rest of the three-season series is more of the same, and Rossellini dives into and acts out the strange, and often aggressive, mating habits of spiders, dragonflies, and whales (which can get 6-foot erections). In season three, she focuses on sea creatures that are being impacted by overfishing.

That’s the thing about Green Porno—it’s completely ridiculous but incredibly informative. Unlike most shows today, the episodes only run a few minutes each, making the show digestible and forcing Rossellini to break down the information into its most understandable terms.

Admittedly, it seems like a strange project for a rich and famous senior citizen to put time and energy into, but in a behind-the-scenes interview, Rossellini says she simply loves animals.

“Do I do this because I have a sexual obsession? Do I do this because I have to learn how to behave sexually?” Rossellini asks as she laughs. “I don’t do it for that at all. I always wanted to make films about animals.”

But while people aren’t necessarily interested in biology and animals, Rossellini said they do love sex. 

—Kasey Bubnash




Weekly Poll
How should Lompoc respond to the lawsuit claiming its ordinance restricting where registered sex offenders can live is unconstitutional?

The city should fight the lawsuit in court.
The city needs to repeal the ordinance and settle the lawsuit.
Most cities in California have already repealed similar ordinances.
Keep the ordinance. Residents need it for public safety.

| Poll Results