Saturday, October 24, 2020     Volume: 21, Issue: 34

Santa Maria Sun / Canary

The following article was posted on September 23rd, 2020, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 21, Issue 30 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [] - Volume 21, Issue 30

Petition shuffle


If you don’t like the clothes your mom buys you for Christmas, I have an idea for you. Start a petition. I hear it’s the only way to get what you want these days. 


Don’t like the way your local city council is governing you? Start a petition! Don’t bother voting. Votes don’t matter. Don’t bother showing up to a public meeting to speak out. Elected officials only listen to signatures on petitions! is proof of that! 

You can advocate to Stop the sale of guns at Walmart” (Umm, can’t you just not buy them?), tell “Target, Stop Filling the World With Plastic Bags!” (Did every other corporation in the world stop using them?), tell the Santa Barbara County Board of Supervisors that you want a “5G FREE SANTA BARBARA” (because better phone service is harmful to children—it has nothing to do with a social media addiction), and “Keep Oceano Dunes closed to vehicles due to the pandemic to protect public health” (although they really want it to stay closed forever). 

Have any of these petitions reached their signature goals? Nope. Have any of these petitions yielded any fruit? Nope. 

Don’t like one petition’s goals? Start an anti-petition. It’s like the anti-protest, and it’s just as effective at riling up the base of people that totally and completely agree with you! 

I heard a little rumor that the pro-Oceano Dunes State Vehicular Recreation Area people are going to do just that. I imaging the petition’s title will read something like this, “Open the Oceano Dunes to vehicles to protect economic prosperity during the pandemic.”

And if I’m being honest (Aren’t I always?), this little Oceano Dunes Alliance-led keep-the-dunes-closed petition is disingenuous. 

“Protecting our public health must be the priority,” the petition reads. “Therefore, we call upon our local public health officer, Dr. Penny Borenstein, and the director of California State Parks, Armando Quintero, to help prevent the spread of coronavirus by keeping the Oceano Dunes State Vehicular Recreation Area closed to vehicles. Doing so will avoid dangerous visitation surges in San Luis Obispo County from areas with higher rates of COVID-19.”

First off, I’m also not sure how much of a say SLO County Public Health Director Borenstein has in whether State Parks opens or closes its parks. 

And hypothetically speaking, then, these petition signers would be OK with the Oceano Dunes opening up to local vehicle traffic, right? 

Not. They don’t want it open to vehicles at all—at least most of the petition signers are honest about that in their comments! COVID-19 is the excuse to keep this place closed—and it’s a good one, but what are you going to do when the pandemic is over? 

Wait. Are you part of the liberal cabal that made up the pandemic to close down the economy and take over the world? The pandemic is never going to end, is it? And I’m going to get a vaccine-chip implanted in my arm to take over my brain and make me a sheeple, a (gasp) SOCIALIST, and part of the Deep State’s nefarious anti-Trump efforts?

The petition should read, “The pandemic shut down the Oceano Dunes to vehicle traffic and it should stay closed to it forever because it’s better that way.” 

The canary hopes you can tell the difference between sarcastic statements and real ones. Send help to

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