Tuesday, June 25, 2019     Volume: 20, Issue: 16

Santa Maria Sun / Art

The following article was posted on December 12th, 2018, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 19, Issue 41 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 19, Issue 41

HUMOR: Puppy love

Krider welcomes an addition to the family

By Rob Krider

My life is essentially a postage stamp of what some people consider the American dream. I'm married and I have two kids, a boy and a girl. I pay the bank every month for a mortgage on a suburban home where there is a pickup truck in the driveway. And, of course, I have a dog. I'm so American I can practically fart the "Star Spangled Banner."

My life was basically perfect. I say "was" because I recently screwed my entire life up. Did I become addicted to opioids after a car accident? Nope. Was there a torrid love affair with the secretary? Please, I'd be dead and unable to tell this story, and Mrs. Krider would be locked up for murder. Maybe a gambling habit and I lost the kids' college fund? Nope, I never actually saved any money for the kids to go to college, so I couldn't lose it gambling. So, what did I do to screw up my perfect life? I got a puppy.

I didn't wake up one morning and look at my dog and think to myself, 'I need two of you. I want to buy twice the dog food and clean up twice the dog crap on the lawn.' The idea of two dogs never occurred to me. I was happy with my one-dog American life. Then everything changed. A little injured puppy was crossing the freeway. It was cute, and it had this sad little limp. It was going to get hit by a car. Did I mention it was cute? Long story short, after a trip to the veterinarian and a bill for $700, I now have two dogs. Well, I should clarify; I have one dog and one puppy. I love my dog. The jury is out on the puppy.

The puppy is not potty trained. He believes the world is his toilet. Mostly he believes my bedroom carpet is his toilet. He likes to chew on things. He also believes the world is his chew toy. He chews on socks, rocks, and my toes. After one particular day, where he broke the record for how many times a puppy can go poop in one day inside our new house, my daughter exclaimed, "I think it's time for him to go back to the freeway."

The problem is this thing is the cutest damn puppy you have ever seen. He could be on the cover of a 2019 calendar about dogs and they would sell out in minutes. He is so cute, he is the kind of puppy you rescue off the freeway and pay a vet 700 bucks to take care of. Obviously I fell in love with him. You can call it puppy love. Love however, has its limits.

This puppy is very fast and quite sneaky when he needs to go number two. He is so fast, my wife, whom I love, believes the puppy teleports through walls, craps, and then teleports into another room. No matter how closely we watch him and no matter how many doors we shut, he still magically finds a way to crap in my bedroom. We named the puppy Magic.

Magic enjoys his days lounging around the house, chewing up floorboards, and finding new places in the house to take a poop. I spend my days cleaning poop off the floor and getting mad at the puppy. But, he is just so damn cute, you can't be mad at him for long. Then he magically teleports again and drops another deuce in the house. This allows feelings of rage and regret come to the surface. "Magic!"

This puppy better potty train himself in the next two days or he might be taking a car trip back to the freeway. 

Rob is a sucker for a limp. To read more from Rob Krider or contact him, visit robkrider.com.

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